Healing Our Willpower

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Healing Our Willpower

At the last Whole Heart Connection: Making Connections, a healing transmission came through that was powerful, and it felt as though it was meant for much more than just the people who were in that class. That’s why I am posting it here. It’s a transmission of the path to recovery of healthy willpower. Listen with more than just your mind; this is meant to heal your body and spirit. This is the Me First School of Global Healing, so please pass it on.

To learn more, join Thea at her upcoming live webinar Whole Heart Connection Intro on October 16-17, 2021. Or if you are already a WHC student, come join the next Making Connections gathering on Sept 11 from 1-4 EST (11-2 PST).


The topic that I want to speak about is willpower, and the healing of the will.  At the furthest end of the healing of the will is surrender, but specifically surrender only to the Highest; surrender to the Unity; surrender to what the Divine or the Dao (or whatever we want to call it) asks of us: nothing less than that. 

That’s the North Star at the furthest aspect of the healing of willpower; that’s where we’re headed. The most healthy willpower is that which allows us to say, from strength, “I am surrendering to the Most High, to the Big Love and the holiest deepest truth. That’s what I’m going to do with my life, with my power, with the dial on my radio station. That’s what I’m going to do.”

Healthy willpower means being able to do that holistically, cleanly, and with all of ourselves—without, for instance, three quarters of ourselves compulsively checking our email, or running around after this or that.

Sometimes our will is fragmented. It’s like something that’s been splintered—smashed and splintered. We use our willpower to run around doing this and that, but in a fragmented way. We don’t have the full “Okay, all together now!”

That’s one way in which we might need willpower healing. One of the signs of willpower healing needed is a kind of splintering of the will. It’s an epidemic at the moment, so don’t feel bad or ashamed if you have this going on; I’m in it and you’re in it. We’re all in it.

I am right now wishing to make use of you guys to speak not just to you, but straight through you to a very large audience of people who may not even have considered, “Oh, what is willpower? What is healthy willpower? What can happen to the will? How would I even recognize?”

Can I open the doors of mercy before I even understand, because that is the most important part of the deal? The moment there’s even an inkling “Oh, there’s such a thing as the healthy willpower. Oh, there’s such a thing as the not quite yet healthy willpower. Can I open the doors of mercy, long before I understand? Thank you so much.“

The will can be crushed from early thwartings. Sometimes it’s quite deliberate on the part of those who are bigger and stronger than us, and who have a different agenda, and who do not wish to take the time to help us understand why we need to get into the car right now, or whatever else it might be.

Opening the doors to the mercy, opening the doors to the healing, before comprehension.

There’s a kind of crushedness to the will, that can happen when we did not get what we wanted very, very much—and that we gave our all towards. This cause is not just an issue with the will, but with a kind of confusion, like “That does not compute.” Sometimes it’s a very, very deep “does not compute.”

We are opening the doors to the mercy, before comprehension. We’re saying, “Oh, please, I’ve had that moment of recognition that healing is needed. I’m opening the doors to the healing, long before there are any other details forthcoming. I not sure how much I even care about the details. Except that all of you are born teachers. And so, you want to know eventually. But first, for opening the doors to the mercy.

There’s good old garden variety discouragement, from endless work without love behind it, otherwise known as drudgery.  All the trying so incredibly hard, all that we do, basically, because we have to make ourselves do it. All the things that we make ourselves do, but not from love. We just make ourselves do it, for any number of reasons.

French homework. Anything can become a chronic misuse of the willpower that leads to the will starting to corrode in on itself. It begins to feel like, what is the point? What am I doing? Like a deep loss of vitality. Then we don’t have our will for our true heart’s desire anymore.

Before anything else, opening the doors to the mercy, to the compassion, to the love that heals, the moment that we recognize, “Oh my goodness, healing is needed here.” We dedicate to that.

There are many examples of ways that the will can be dominated and entangled, co-opted, corrupted, crushed, and in some cases, almost annihilated: “Oh, I want what you want. I was just going to be a nice…” 

Opening the doors of healing, even a little bit deeper. It’s like a chute. It’s like a deep dark chute into a very deep, dark place. Long before comprehension, we say, “Oh shit, I am going to open the door to healing into a very deep, dark place. Right!”

I’m going to stay with it for just a moment, opening the door to the mercy and the compassion, before any details and before any understanding. It is so wonderful to be able to go there together.

I am feeling for the heart shining from behind us, the Big Heart, like the Big Sun. That’s the engine. That’s what we’re growing towards. We will be growing towards relationship with that Big Sun.

Down in the low belly and low spine—maybe very, very low—is the root of the will. One of the things that we can do for each other, that is a huge healing balm on me-first basis, is to establish the downbody, the feeling of the whole down escalator, the aspect of our being that begins very, very high up in the air, and comes down.

For the sake of each other, you might even want to glance at someone, just to be able to feel for: I’m here on a me first basis to support your downbody, your downbody that creates a kind of I don’t know what that is…  Jason called it a chimney, a kind of cone or corridor, that downbody, almost like a cast around a broken bone but not stiff. It creates a zone within which the will can be healed—so it’s a very important starting point.

A downbody, having a downbody, feeling our downbody, supporting others in having a downbody, creates a zone or cone or space in which the will can begin to really find itself: Wait a minute, I have a will. Wait, what is that within this downbody space?

So that the will is anchored as it grows, so that it has a place that is not like a loose cannon. Having the downbody creates a zone that is powerful, where I can have my power and not be a loose cannon. I might be a loose cannon on the inside; that’s fine, but the downbody creates a kind of stability. 

May we support you more? With even less go-it-alone, even more abject need for a cohort. I need a cohort. I can’t do this on my own. It’s just too much. Downbody, yeah.

We may possibly, for a few months, spend time going, “Willpower? Will of my own? What the hell is that?” When it fully reassembles and reinvigorates and works through a few things, it’s going to be what allows me to surrender to the Divine with a whole heart. But right now, Willpower? Will of my own? If all you did was this for a few months, just feel for that downbody and ask your Whole Heart Connection buddies, Will you help me feel my downbody?

What is that? Here I am up in my head. Here I am up in the stars. Pretty smart. So that I can feel around in the dark. For my willpower. Sit there somewhere. Be patient. It might take months. That’s okay. It’s reasonable. It’s national. It ancestral.

What is that personal will? I have my own here, within my downbody zone.  It’s really okay to keep this as a private conversation within the downbody for absolutely as long as feels nourishing, generative, and safe.

I cannot emphasize that enough. It’s fine.

Wow, who am I? What is my willpower like? Oh, yeah, yeah, just being with that. Yeah, yeah, because it may not have been encouraged, or it may have run into some things shall we say. We’re just give it space now.

The other thing that we’re giving it is unconditional love. Even if we think it’s slightly insane, because it might be sometimes. A person may have been through many things, many thwartings–and so as the personal will first begins to appear, it may come out fighting. That’s part of why we want to have this very nice, good, strong downbody–so that, if necessary (as is very commonplace the return of the vitality of willpower), it may at first express itself as anger– as grouchiness– as fuck you and fuck everybody. As rebel or as rage. We do not want to just crush that vitality back down again. We do not want to just unleash it either. We do want a downbody, so that there’s a rooted place for our willpower to begin to re emerge, still covered in mud, out of whatever kind of swamp it’s been held down in. 

Without that strong downbody in place, that emergence can be quite uncomfortable for us. Downbody, incarnation body, strongly down to the ground. We’re making a place where rising energy is actually safe, where your trying-to-rise energy is actually safe.

We may in fact have some very young willpower developmental milestones that we have not yet ever been given a chance to move through. For example, I was working with Expedia the other day to book my first plane ticket post-covid, using about $700 of travel funds from cancelled flights—which, after an entire day of hassling around it, I don’t think that I will ever be able to use, because of a nit-picky series of regulations, such that it seems like I could use it anywhere any time, but I actually cannot.

When this became clear, I went up like a newspaper in flames.  BOOM!  It was amazing. It was total conflagration—I actually saw red when I realized the hoax, the utter bureaucratic rip off.  The rat exploded, right in the middle of the maze.

It really gave me a chance to work with my willpower issues from a very young place. This was a tantrum.  I didn’t actually start screaming and banging on my crib, because I bigger than that now, but only on the outside. 

This is a tantrum…  and we may have that inside of us. Whatever did or didn’t happen when we hit that developmental milestone of negotiation between our willpower and external circumstances… Such that we got stuck at the point of: It’s either my will, or it’s your will and I’m crushed.

It’s nice to have a downbody; I was really glad to have downbody during my grown-up tantrum. I was really glad to be able to stand and say, “Wow, watch the inferno of me…”  I was able to say, “Oh look, I am exploring power, and will, and some very dubious uses of power and will, like opening the door to Armageddon and just seeing what I can unleash now.”

I want to mention that as a very popular manifestation of a will that does not know what to do with itself: “All right, I will open the door to the Devil and start spewing dark flames in every direction.”

Or, “I will open the door to the Devil and start spewing dark flames into my own arteries, and nobody else will ever know.” 

Hooray, National Beloved, hooray, the personal will is being rediscovered. It starts out kind of tantrumy, kind of cranky, kind of willful in the ways that got us sent to our room—or worse. 

Now, we’re just being with this for a moment, just being with this for a moment…

In a person whose will has been thwarted and crushed for a long time, it’s so important to hold that downbody space so that they have the “down” energy but not the “crush down” energy, and that feeling of vitality can be felt within the downbody.

“Oh, I have a will of my own, and I wanted to buy a plane ticket with those funds.  I wanted it very much. I put hours and hours and hours of effort into it, to no avail.”

That’s true.

I do have a will. It’s a strong will. Yay hooray for how strong my will is, as evidenced by how strong my temper is. Yeah.

Pause just for one moment, because I just want to be with this. As I’m being with this, I’m being with all of us. I’m helping widen our collective pelvis, so there’s more room, because this is national, and it’s so important not to try to contain what’s national. Just do your part. That’s all.

Yeah, feet solid the on the ground—heels, not just toes, because that allows things to drain out. That way, I’m not echo chamber as much. And we will be with you, and we will help you. And you don’t have to get this; it can just wash through.

There’s not that much more to say. It’s just an invitation to deep, deep compassion for the ways in which our splintered or crushed or confused personal will starts to make its first appearances again, such that we not judge it nor recrush it, nor smash it, nor say that it’s bad.

As our personal willpower begins to return, in order to make the full stretch towards health, our will is going to need to choose to be in service of the Heart. To say, “This is what my will is for.” To be the servant of the love is to surrender to the Dao, is to move with will of the Most High.

But it doesn’t get there in one leap, especially as it’s coming out of the feeling of powerlessness and crushedness. The first thing it does is make some really rough choices, right, like me with Expedia. I faced my powerlessness, and my feeling of thwarted will, and went immediately to the Dark Side. Instantly. That was my first choice: Let’s just send dark flames everywhere.

That’s the sign of a will at a midpoint in its recovery process. Hallelujah we’re at a midpoint in our recovery process. We do have a will. Here’s some will; here’s some oomph, and it hasn’t yet quite figured out, “How do I align with the good genius not the evil genius to try to get my way…”  or even figure out the way.  What way? 

I want to open us to that possibility for ourselves, and for others, to be in the presence of a will that is coming back out of powerlessness, suppression, shatteredness, splinteredness, crushedness—a will that’s coming back. It does need a down body, and although we can stand right next to them, it does need a little bit of room to move as it explores the options—one of which will be raw, and eventually which will be okay.

As it turns out, I’m not all powerful. I hate that; I always have. What are the options, and what does health feel like from here?

I have about 18 different morning glories slowly finding their way towards the telephone pole ground wire. They’re all in different processes of looking around for what they’re going to do with their lives. And then, one by one, they find the pole wire, and one by one, it’s like they say to themselves, “Okay. I know what I’m here for.”  They align, and they start going up.

Between now and when our will finds its true healthy pathway up to the Heart, we have a downbody, and it matters.

And we have a vitality that we are so grateful is, in fact, coming back to life. 

That’s great. I am happy.

Okay. That’s what I needed to deliver to our nation.

To join the discussion, find us on my Perennial Medicine discussion listserv (all are welcome).

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